I am slowly falling in love

Little did I know that as years passed me by, I subconsciously turn into a girl who no longer dares to fall in love.
I was daring enough to let myself get hurt all over again and again. And I told myself, no I’m not the type of girl who will stay away from love just because it hurts me for I believe one day, things will turn out differently.

But I guess I lost faith and that little bit of spark that burns in me after all the hurt I went through half a year ago.
Just come to realise, I really am afraid of falling in love again. Afraid of just surrendering my heart entirely like how I used to, afraid that all I get is just a crush on my heart at the end of the day.

I cant believe myself, I’m afraid of falling in love. This is insane.
I keep holding myself back, controlling my feelings like how an owner control his dog.
There’s like a war going on at the back of my head, tug-o-war.
I never like holding my feelings back, that is just so not me but that fear in me is so much more stronger.
I know I need to let go.

I probably am letting go.
I don’t know how to not fall in love with him when he’s such a lovable guy.
It’s almost like no effort is needed to love a guy like him.
I guess the dog is on the loss now, owner is letting it go.

The way he treats me, I know he is worth the risk.

Yesterday’s sky teared while I teared.

Went to Nilai Memorial Park yesterday to visit daddy after work.
The sky wasn’t sunny, not at all.
It was cloudy all the way and I like it that way, I thought I can just sit beside daddy and not do anything, not think of anything.
Just sit and enjoy the wind.

Prayed at the temple before looking for dad, that’s what my mom always do every year.
And every year we do not know exactly the location of daddy because we always cant seem to remember the number lot.
Forever searching for it and of course, this time too.
In fact, even worse cause I cant remember as clearly as my mom.

Tried looking for it at the first piece of land but nope, just doesn’t feel like it.
Went over to the second piece of land.
We both searched high and low. I was feeling anxious.
I cant seem to find my dad. I was looking all around and I feel so goddamn lost for a moment.
Like a lost kid looking for parent. But indeed I am, just in a different way.

I thought I saw dad’s, I ran to it only to find out I was wrong.
I was so upset I couldn’t find my dad.
Then I look further and I ran again and there he is.
I stood there stoning. A mixture of intense happiness and sadness mix together.
So happy that I finally found him yet so sad, I’m standing in front of a grave.
I just stand there crying while the rain starts pouring. Exactly at the same time.

What a scene. Looked for Ben to tell him I found daddy.
Start lighting up joss stick and burning while it continues to rain.
Suddenly, it just seems so sad. And it’s just so hard to burn everything while it rains.
Cant help but cry and cry in front of daddy. Never dare cry in front of family whenever I visit daddy, I’m afraid they might get upset too.
Sometimes it’s just so hard to hold back my tears, that’s why I keep asking my mom when can I actually eat so that I get distracted.

I wish to sit there for a while but not able to, thanks to the rain.
*
Thanks for bringing me, it means so much.
Thanks for taking the time and effort. Thanks for going to such a place with me.
Hope daddy likes you.

But before that, hope my very-cool-mummy likes you first.

The Eleventh Year

Pap, I’m doing fine.
Really really fine except for being like a little lost girl sometimes not knowing which path should I take for my future career.
I just can’t seem to find something that interest me at the moment.
I really wish you’re here to guide me through life’s decision and difficulties.

This year it’ll be different from the previous ones.
So much more different.
I’ll be visiting you for the very first time, not on a ‘ching ming’ day without mom and brothers but someone else.

If life is according to plan, I wont be able to be there with mom during ‘ching ming’ and I don’t wanna miss the chance of visiting you once a year.
I’ll be there in a bit.

Missing you dearly daddy.
From your little girl.

some friend never agree all along.
never bother asking. never bother finding out.
never bother to listen to my side of story.
never bother standing in my shoes.

some friend that never bother.
perhaps only bother making own judgement.
it just hurt in a way to know that your friend never truly bothers how you feel deep down.

hurt plus disappointment with a little bit of anger.
maybe. just maybe i don’t need a friend like you in my life when i’m so insignificant in yours.
it still hurt as much and i’m not sure when it will stop hurting.
but i don’t live to please you.

i tried, chance were not quite given.
or it feels like it.
no, not over sensitive. i just know it.
tell me i’m wrong.

if you will.
but then again, i guess i’ll never see you the same anymore.

Sweet Escape to Avillion Cove

Last week, Ben suggested that we go to Port Dickson for a short trip.
Of course, I’m up for it. He wanted to stay at water chalet but it’s kind of pricey so I tried googling for a cheaper place to stay.
Found Avillion Cove and I didn’t actually know there’s a place like this in my country.
Fall in love with it once I saw the pictures on their website.
I just love seeing all this yatch.


* Wasn’t sunny the day we arrived.


* Lovely yatch waiting to greet us :D

Guess my picture did not do much justice. Maybe you should take a look at their website here.


* Our premium room. I wanted a deluxe because it’s cheaper but it’s fully booked. U_U


* This premium room can actually accommodate up to 6 person. The room is Rm200++ per night, if divide by 6 person, one have to pay roughly Rm40+ which is pretty reasonable for me. The room is spacious enough, clean and looks nice at the same time.


* My crappy nude face before swimming. I wonder how many times more I have to disappoint this guy because I cant stay in the pool for long due to the temperature. I really cant stand the cold but this time I’m slightly better, I really did swim. :wink:


* This is my…


* …poser boyfriend. hahaha

Get to rest awhile after swimming and shower before heading out to Seremban for our dinner.
No gps needed as his hometown is at Seremban.


* Brought me to try Seremban’s oh-so-famous baked crab but he actually did not know which restaurant to go.


* Taste good? Nah, normal.


* Went back to our hotel’s bar for a drink and pool session after dinner. Wanted to go for a walk by the beach but I was too tired. End up watching some scary movie in our room. I’m such a ‘potong’ girlfriend, haha.

Oh ya, saw this funfair on our way to dinner and decided to stop by when we’re heading back to hotel.
Ben: Why is the funfair on my dad’s land.
Me: Har!? T_______T”’

I don’t know how to react wth. But that funfair is a fail funfair. Big time.
Sigh, the thought of missing this funfair during March makes me a sad girl, wuwu.

Remaining pictures are from Instagram.

* Imagine that, we rather play with Instagram than the rides at this funfair.


* Hahahaha. I can laugh all day looking at this picture.

Yeah, back to the movie. Slept late from watching the movie thus waking up late and skipped our free breakfast! D:
Hur! Damn sad can, I love breakfast buffet. ):
Ended up paying for some sandwich.
Went over to a beach for some kite flying session after checking out :D


* KITES!!!


* Me and our kite :D


* How come he knows how to fly a kite?


* But I don’t.


* heart this picture though I look kinda chubby!

Such a relaxing trip yet fun at the same time. I’m gonna do the kite flying again someday :D
If only we had more time to stay there, it will be even greater.
A very nice place to just chill, sit back and relax.

Ending this post with a 007 picture. HAHAHAHA!!

down with sickness.
cant wait to blog bout my short trip to port dickson but the pictures seems a little messy.
will be back in a day or two.

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