this week started off as a hell for me.
as i said earlier, holiday turned me into a rather lazy girl.

a lazy girl bombarded with plenty of assignments equals to *^$@&#*#&@^&@ *dut dut dut* !!
but my hardworking spirit *cheh* came back after a day.
its not that bad after all and now I’m so use to it.

waking up so early almost everyday.
discussions for hours and hours till evening.
nap for only an hour.
and go to bed earlier than usual.
sangat ber-routine, hah!

***
my lecturer asked us a question in the class the other day.
‘who had been in love before?’
some of the students raised up their hands. i did not.
i cant tell you why i did not raise up my hand, cause i myself do not know why either.

she asked for the second time.
‘who had been in love before?’
and more students response by raising up their hands this time, including myself.

she then asked another question.
‘whose heart had been broken before?’
i looked at her. i took a glimpse at those around me.
once again students raise up their hands.
i then raised up mine slowly, feeling rather stone because i wasn’t expecting my lecturer asking all these kind of questions in the class.

then she told us.
‘those who had their heart broken are those who love passionately.’

she once interviewed a drug addict.
she described this drug addict with a word.
skinny.
almost fleshless, what’s left is only bones wrapped by his skin.

then she told us how this drug addict inject himself.
i’ve got no idea how he did it but what she said was, he leaned on the wall, pushed himself into the needle, poking through his feet.
not on any part of his body but his feet.

heart-wrenching.
i know if i’m there to witness this scene, i’ll cry.

she asked him, what is the reason he did drugs.
and he answered, the girl he love left him.

my heart literally stopped for a moment.
‘those who had their heart broken, if they are painter they no longer paint, if they are writer they no longer write.’

this story just hit me somewhere. somehow.
i feel really sad for him.

love. can be the best thing yet the worst.
seems like. it can lift you up to heaven yet it can push you down to hell.

so beautiful .yet so ugly.

second of january but it still feels like end of the year.

i wanted to stay at home on the new year itself.
but i was dragged by mahwengkee . to IPOH!!

he texted me. i said i’m quite tired.
then he called and said ‘come larh. come with us. you can sleep in the car.’
me: zzzzzzzz -_______- okloooooorrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh .

i guess i should really stay at home .when we reached ipoh, i feel sick. omg
sick on the new year day itself. why oh why.
but i still get to eat the oh-so-famous ipoh chicken hor fun.
i’ve got slight fever and yet i feel so cold.
i feel cold but i still ate icecream potong. why i so like that?

it gets worse when i go to bed. off the aircon, put on my comforter and i’m still freezing.
freezing but my temperature go up up and up. plus headache. wtf ):

i’m better now but the headache is still here.
don’t do this to me. i wanna go out tonight. pffffttttt

I want to blog. Blog about my 21st birthday party but my cable is downstairs and its late now, I’ve got not much energy left in me.

I just wanted to blog. To write something.

Well well, I wonder how long it takes for me to let go the grudges completely.
It is indeed kind of annoying when every time I thought I’m over this shit , I actually am not.
Days later when I accidentally come across things related to you, I feel the pain all over again.
Not to say pain but that very uneasy feeling ,you know.

Deep down, I really really don’t want to be angry at you and at the whole incident.
Because I do like you. Whether as a friend or not, I like this person. This person is you.
Argh. I just don’t know how to describe the whole situation, the exact feeling I’m having.

Sigh, but I remember what harsh word you once said.
You really put me in such a dilemma situation.
Forgive and forget? I’m not sure if I can.

I do still think of you. I miss you.

It’s finally my turn.
And I can’t believe it.
Seriously, time passes faster than it should.

I feel happy and excited last week because my birthday is finally coming.
But I started to feel really weird yesterday.
I don’t want my birthday to come. I’m not too sure why.
Like suddenly I’m not feeling that happy anymore.

I don’t even know why my birthday reminds me so much of you.
I still remember what you said to me on msn about my birthday back then. Back then when we were still friends.
Missing you at this very moment is not gonna do me any good, it pulls down my mood.

And I miss dad too. Which makes me feel even worse.
I’m gonna be a grown up after the clock strikes 12, dad.
10 god damn years without my dad celebrating my birthday with me.

Shit. I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
I should feel happy. Gah! ):

I don’t know what else to say.
I’m not ready to turn 21. I’m not ready for my birthday. I’m not ready for my birthday party.
I just don’t want it to come.

Because when it’s finally here, it just means the end is at the corner.

The usual pessimistic Peggy Chow, signing off.

booo! )):
no no, i didn’t change my blog’s theme.
but something went wrong and i’ve got no idea how to fix it back.
i need my brother to help me, omg!!

i miss the old look, shiat.
now, should i just use this new one or find a way to get back the old look?
please tell me. ):

I always, ALWAYS second guess myself.
I second guess every single decision I’ve made, big ones of course.
Every time I made mistake, i blame myself. Thoroughly.

I regret when things don’t come out right.
I blame myself for choosing the wrong way.
I blame myself for my own heartbreak.
And then I’ll start with all the ‘I shouldn’t have….or I should have….’ kind of crap. To be frank it’s killing me slowly.

I know I should learn from mistakes and bla bla bla… but no. I cant forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.
I’m really harsh on myself, don’t be I know.
But then that’s me, I’ve always been like this since long time ago.

I try to change. I keep telling myself its okay to make mistake. Every human being makes mistake.
Sometimes all this self-psycho works magically, sometimes it just don’t.

I’m a paranoid girl with problems, lots of problems.
Little problems, big problems, they just get heavier and heavier.
I’ve been carrying all these problems with me and walk and walk and walk.
For so many years, I’ve just been walking with all these problems on my back.
And you just look from afar.
So far away, I don’t even know where.

I just want to stop walking and have a loooooooong rest.
Dad, I’m really tired.

**

Some pictures from Zouk last week. I just don’t feel like talking bout Zouk now, so whatever.

* Ken’s last night at KL before going back to Penang to for classes.

* Both sick of drinking.

* Ken acting nerdy.

* And Ian boy.

I wonder if you can hear me or if all the letters that I’ve wrote works.
Where are you??????????????????
I can’t quite feel you, you know?
Can’t you just come to my dreams, give me a hug and tell me it’s gonna be alright?
You don’t even come to my dreams anymore. ):

I miss you so much, pap. )’:

the only time i’m not thinking is when i’m dancing in the club. fml!
i need music. i need to club.
last night at zouk was fun, the music perhaps.
and now i cant stop listening to Love is Gone by David Guetta & Chris Willis, super highh .

i’m trying real hard but its not working so fuck it for the moment.
i just want to party and stop giving a fuck on everything.
so bring me people, bring me.

the best moment : dance as if nothing’s bothering you.
more on zouk later.
needa sleep, work tomorrow.
nights world.

it’s sad when people you know become people you knew.
when you walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them .

i want that night where we laid in my bed with nervous hands. our shoulders touched . you kissed me and i couldn’t stop smiling.

via: ♥
and i wonder why .
it’s the possibility that should keeps us going, not the guarantees.