Category: :(

Oct 14

booo! )):
no no, i didn’t change my blog’s theme.
but something went wrong and i’ve got no idea how to fix it back.
i need my brother to help me, omg!!

i miss the old look, shiat.
now, should i just use this new one or find a way to get back the old look?
please tell me. ):

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Sep 28

I’ve got a problem with myself.

I always, ALWAYS second guess myself.
I second guess every single decision I’ve made, big ones of course.
Every time I made mistake, i blame myself. Thoroughly.

I regret when things don’t come out right.
I blame myself for choosing the wrong way.
I blame myself for my own heartbreak.
And then I’ll start with all the ‘I shouldn’t have….or I should have….’ kind of crap. To be frank it’s killing me slowly.

I know I should learn from mistakes and bla bla bla… but no. I cant forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.
I’m really harsh on myself, don’t be I know.
But then that’s me, I’ve always been like this since long time ago.

I try to change. I keep telling myself its okay to make mistake. Every human being makes mistake.
Sometimes all this self-psycho works magically, sometimes it just don’t.

I’m a paranoid girl with problems, lots of problems.
Little problems, big problems, they just get heavier and heavier.
I’ve been carrying all these problems with me and walk and walk and walk.
For so many years, I’ve just been walking with all these problems on my back.
And you just look from afar.
So far away, I don’t even know where.

I just want to stop walking and have a loooooooong rest.
Dad, I’m really tired.

**

Some pictures from Zouk last week. I just don’t feel like talking bout Zouk now, so whatever.

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* Ken’s last night at KL before going back to Penang to for classes.

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* Both sick of drinking.

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* Ken acting nerdy.

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* And Ian boy.

I wonder if you can hear me or if all the letters that I’ve wrote works.
Where are you??????????????????
I can’t quite feel you, you know?
Can’t you just come to my dreams, give me a hug and tell me it’s gonna be alright?
You don’t even come to my dreams anymore. ):

I miss you so much, pap. )’:

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Sep 26

just dance .

the only time i’m not thinking is when i’m dancing in the club. fml!
i need music. i need to club.
last night at zouk was fun, the music perhaps.
and now i cant stop listening to Love is Gone by David Guetta & Chris Willis, super highh .

i’m trying real hard but its not working so fuck it for the moment.
i just want to party and stop giving a fuck on everything.
so bring me people, bring me.

the best moment : dance as if nothing’s bothering you.
more on zouk later.
needa sleep, work tomorrow.
nights world.

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Sep 03

people always leave

it’s sad when people you know become people you knew.
when you walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them .

i want that night where we laid in my bed with nervous hands. our shoulders touched . you kissed me and i couldn’t stop smiling.

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via:
and i wonder why .
it’s the possibility that should keeps us going, not the guarantees.

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Aug 10

Certified death

I’m currently mourning over the death of my computer, it passed away at 12pm on 10th of August 2009. certified!!
It served me since I’m Form4, still playing Friendster back then. *tears*
I’m grief-stricken, wtf. May it rest in peace. *annoyed*

Luckily there’s still a laptop for me to use or else I’ll go crazy.
Life without internet and computer is not even a life at all, wtf. See what these two great inventions do to me.

My friend is gonna solve my problem for me, perhaps by getting me a secondhand computer which is FOC!
I know right, I’ve got such good friend. All my friends are good, me love them. :’D
All I want now is to get my pictures and data back, I hope he can transfer them successfully.

I guess my post from now on will only be words until I get my datasss back, that is.
Test is on Thursday and I have yet to study, I shall really start flipping the pages of my textbook soon.

Sigh. Like the death of my computer is not enough, my aircond keeps dripping like a water tap, wtf.
Actually the aircond starts dripping way back but it stopped somehow.
My aircond always drips when I cry, wtf. But these few days I didn’t cry larh and yet it drips like crazy.
Now it is even more emo than I am, wtf.
It has been quite a number of days I didn’t sleep with the aircond on and I’m not sure if that’s the cause of me cant falling asleep.
Fyi, my bed is right under the aircond and when it drips my bed will be wet. -_____-

Lucky I’ve got a *aherm* smart boyfriend who asked me to shift my bed a little and put a pail down there.
I’m so dumb, why didn’t I thought of that? I only thought of shifting my whole bed to another place which I didn’t want to and hence I didn’t move it at all.

Okay, I don’t wanna continue rambling anymore. (so many wtfs, wtf) -_____-
.missing my silly boy. ♥ (:

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Aug 08

Emotional Tour of KL

This is my final project for Alternative voices where I have to talk to someone who is 40 years old and above about Kuala Lumpur. It is called ‘Emotional Tour of KL’.
Location : Jalan Raja Laut, Kuala Lumpur.

It took me some time to figure out how to work this project. Now that it is done, I decided to post it up here.
I’m not too sure but maybe this isn’t as good as I want it to be. Time constraint you know and how ideas only flow at the very last minute. Yah, the idea thing always happened to me. Pressure and stress give me ideas, damn.
I started doing this project on Thursday midnight and I’ve to hand it in before Friday or on Friday itself.
And then my lecturer decided to be a goody goody man and extended the date line to Sunday because there’s still a lot of my coursemates that have yet to finish their work. Sigh, why cant he decide to be a good man and extend the time before I finish my project? A little unfair to those who rush and finish their project on time, no?
Whatever, I’ll forgive him for that because he’s so gonna lend me this book that I’ve been longing to read.
Like finally I get to have a chance to read this book, ‘Chin Peng : My side of history’. Can’t wait to get it from his hands next semester. (:

Anyway, I’m done babbling.
Do read my project and tell me what you guys think. It actually means quite a lot to me.
And oh, pictures after the jump.
Thankiuu. (:

***

Everybody has got a story to tell be it a successful entertainer or an old lady you bump into at the market.
And everyplace too has got its own story ready to be unfold anytime.

This is a story of a forty-four years old petite Chinese lady whose name is called Kelly with the surname Chan.
Born and raised in Bentong, Pahang, Kelly is eager to find out what it is like to stay in big cities when she is young.
Not a highly educated lady as she only receives her education until Form 3 but that does not stop her in voicing out opinions and thoughts.

Having six siblings at home isn’t something to be proud of as her family is not at all wealthy. Kelly is the fourth child. One by one they leave their house; the eldest sister gets married and moved to Kuantan while the second sister shifts to another street at Bentong.
The remaining ones, one after another left to a place called Kuala Lumpur.
Kelly left at the age of sixteen to explore and discover new things in life at a place she always dream of going. The big city, Kuala Lumpur.

Her first job at KL is being hired as a seamstress and the paid is only around Rm200 back then. She rents a room at Ulu Klang that cost Rm80 every month which is quite a big amount she said. Therefore she shares a room with her cousins and friends, four young ladies in a room.
‘We sleep there, we eat there, and we basically do everything in that one tiny room’ Kelly said. Not something I can imagine myself doing; I suddenly realize how lucky I am to have a room all by myself.

She worked as a seamstress for four years and she left for another job when she saw a job vacancy hiring cashier in the newspaper. She told me that she can’t be a seamstress forever.
She begins her journey as a cashier at a karaoke and bar shop called Mings at Jalan Raja Laut at the age of twenty. During that time, Mings is the place where she spends most of her time at and she had a lot of fun working there.

Kelly said, ‘My job as a cashier is easy and at the same time I get to enjoy myself there. Musics are being played all day long where I can even sing to entertain myself and the customers. Working at Mings is like playing and having fun with your friends.’
Not only can she enjoy herself with friends and customers there, she also have a reason to dress up herself nicely everyday she goes to work.

Kelly experience fright and love at the same place, Mings. It shocked and frightened the petite lady when a burglar went in to Mings holding a gun. She said ‘He snatched everything he could and all of us are so frightened to even make a squeak. I’ve got no choice but to hand in all my money.’

It seems like one unlucky event comes after another because months later when Kelly walked off from Mings with her customer or friend as she prefer to call him, a thief walked past her and snatched her handbag. She stood there feeling stone but her guy friend chase after the thief.
After chasing, he came back with an empty hand and a sick face. He threw up right there in front of her.
She felt so touched, that’s where the love begins.

It is at Mings that she found her true love who she marries later on. She still works at Mings after married and giving birth to a baby girl but stopped during the nineties when she starts up her own business.
She still goes to Mings once in awhile with her husband and children but she never expected to go back there again for a different reason in the future.
She never thought that she will ever go back to Mings again but things took a serious downturn.

She lost her husband to cancer during year 2000 and the business she had back then is not earning her any money to continue support her family.
She made a decision and closes down her business, went back to Mings and started working there once again. This time, her job scope is no longer as a cashier but she is there to entertain customers, to drink with them. At the age of 36 with two kids in hand, that is what she needs to do.

It has been so many years and she is still working at Mings, drinking with the customers every day. Looking at her face, telling me this story of hers I feel a sudden ache at my heart. How much hardship she has been through after losing her husband, to only go back to a place she never thought of going back.

She showed me photographs of her working at Mings during her twenties. Inside the pictures, I can feel that she really enjoys her work and her eyes somehow tell me how happy she is back then.
But at this moment when I stare at her face, I know she no longer is as happy as last time. There isn’t much passion left.

“Kuala Lumpur gives me too many memories especially at Mings where I worked for so many years. KL definitely changes a lot. From a few cars on the small road to so many cars causing traffic jams on highways. Last time, I’m afraid of burglars and thieves but today, I’m even more afraid. I dare to say other than the skyscrapers, KL is really getting worse. Every day when I opened up the newspaper, there must be a few cases of snatch thieves here and there. Living in KL is living in fear. Sometimes I really wish to stop working and shift back to hometown to stay but of course I’m not allow to as I still have to bring up my two children. Kuala Lumpur is a big city but now I know big city is never like what I dream of.”

( Read more )

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Jul 26

Mess up life, that is..

I seriously can’t wait for my semester to end. I just want to get it over and done with, urgh.
But then, I’ve got too much undone work all piling up, waiting for me to finish it before the due dates arrive.
Especially this one subject where I’ve to write reviews and opinions and what not, I have done none.
I’ve to finish all my assignments in less than 2 weeks time, how great can life be.
And my room is sooooo messy, it makes me feel so annoy and makes my concentration level drop.

I don’t know whats wrong with me, I just can’t bring myself to do my work. I don’t know why. ):
I feel like killing myself. Argh….!
I’m thinking, if I should study next semester or just go for internship. I’m afraid if I choose to study, I’ll be as lazy as this semester and this is a big no-no. ):
Or maybe I should work and not do internship first because you know, your pay is so little as an intern.
Sigh, dilemma dilemma.

Life is pretty mess up lately.
I always sleep so late at night. Every time when I go to bed, birdies already start chirping.
When I don’t have classes the next day, I woke up after 2 o’clock, sometimes 4. I kinda hate this, really.
See, I want to sleep early sometimes. Just the other day, I go to bed at 1 o’clock which is pretty early for me but I just cant seem to fall asleep. I roll on my bed for hours. Why do I always have insomnia?
I hate it especially when I’ve got class the next day because I probably couldn’t wake up and skip my class or I’ll go to class looking like a walking zombie who tries to catch a nap in the class, wtf.

See,.. Insomnia leads to waking up late and waking up late leads to taking irregular meals AND all these leads to death, wtf.
Just yesterday, the first meal I took is 8 o’clock at night, and that’s the only meal for the day.
I’m turning into some robot shit soon, can survive without eating.

And I get headache so often lately, it sucks. ):
I even get fever the other day, scare the shit out of me. Swine flu, wtf.
I know I can’t carry on like this, but I just cant bring myself to change.
I’m so lack of discipline and motivation, plus I get emo so easily these days it just brings me down.

I want to go to bed earlier, I want to wake up earlier, I want to jog, swim, and play badminton, I want to eat breakfast, I want to tidy up my room, I want to watch tv, I want to read books, I want to go to the mall with my friends, I want to be a normal human being and not zombie, vampire or what robot shit!

But I want doesn’t mean I can.

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Jul 21

A Conversation with Myself

me: oh hie there!

me: er… hie…

me: how are you feeling?

me: shitty!

me: do you think you’ll get crazy someday because you get upset over small issues or worst still, over nothing at all?

me: mm hmm.. *nods head* how?

me: ask yourself how.

me: that’s why i’m asking you how!

me: right! why do you get upset over little issues?

me: because i care? yes, i do care.

me: then why aren’t you telling people or to whom it may concern that you’re feeling upset over those issues?

me: because i dare not. i’m afraid you see..

me: afraid? of what?

me: afraid of shit happening? because when i keep silent, shit wont happen.

me: this isn’t you right?

me: the new me perhaps.

me: new you? since when?

me: hah! i don’t even know since when man. shocked you? because it shocked me somehow..

me: oh boy, yes it really shocked me.

me: changed without myself even realising.

me: from what to what?

me: from someone who must explain herself and letting people know her feelings/thoughts to someone who keep quiet even when stuff upset her. .. to someone who just follow, go along with it and say okay okay even when its not okay.

me: why?

me: i’m afraid, thats why.

me: afraid again?? of what?? gosh..

me: of everything. every single thing! afraid of history repeating itself, afraid of hearing any harsh words from people i love or whatsoever.

me: wow! vulnerable.

me: yeah.. one minute i laugh, the other minute i feel like shit.. then i laugh again.. its k-r-a-z-y!

me: do you need a psychologist?

me: wtf?! no!!

me: sure?

me: hmm… perhaps i do..

________________________________

如果我不是我 其实会怎么样?
有沒有人要做周碧琪?
我真的很累!

don’t worry! i’m still sane afterall.. .
hur hur, it took almost one hour for me to write these chinese words..
but i’m proud cause i can build sentences.. *flips hair* wtf!!

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