what else can i say?
other than me being stupid.

i laugh at my own stupidity as my tears roll down.
how fucking pathetic.

how fucking stupid i am.
anger. hurt. sad. regret. fuck up.

thank you.
thank you very much.

please. don’t even bother about this post.

3.24 am right now.
i went to catch a very hilarious movie with my friends. Old Dog.
and i’m glad that i did not stay at home.

it helps.
but now that i’m finally home, typing this.
it creeps into my mind again.

i thought i wouldn’t feel that much pain since it’s already the tenth.
but i’m wrong. i feel even worse.

exactly ten years ago. at this hour. you left.
remember how i lean on the bed. holding your hand ever so tightly and called you.
‘ba ba’

fuck. i’m not even finish and i’m already crying. fml
well fine. i don’t know what to say anymore.
wish you were here. as always.

dad. i’m pretty fine.
i hope you’re doing good too.
i’m getting a tattoo tomorrow.

it says.
fuck cancer.

after so long. dad finally came into my dream again last night.
after so so long. i’ve been missing him so much.

a lot of times when i dream of my dad .it is about him coming back home.
like finally he’s back home again after like what. ten years.
same goes to yesterday’s dream. he came back home.

i guess i really want him back so much.
in my dream, the first thing i do when i saw him in the house is run over to him.
and hug him .and cry.
i don’t know how long i actually hugged him, because i remember i didn’t want to let go.
i didn’t want him to leave me. and i keep crying and crying.

it’s like every time, a part of me know that i am dreaming.
and that’s why i try to make him stay as long as i could.
but dreams are always short. and in the end i have to wake up to this reality.
dad’s gone once again.

dad. i’m a lot taller now.

it will be ten years very soon. but until today i’m still crying like he just leave me yesterday.
please appear more in my dreams. come home more. i miss you.

cry for the second time of the year. damn.

i cried.
first time of the year.

the song that is currently playing brought me to tears.
how the lyrics exactly describe the me back then. how very me.
all the memories came flashing back.

so vivid.
so vivid that my tears started rolling down . my heart ache.
no. not that kind of ‘you broke my heart into a million of pieces’ kind of shit heartache.
no. this is not some lovey dovey shit.

you know how when you watch a movie.
when the story goes perfectly fine .how so beautifully written and in a split second .tragedy hits.
that kind of heart ache.

the feeling of disappointment. i never in my life feel this disappointed before.
so very disappointed till i cry.

my friend disappoint me. a friend who i use to grow up together with.
who changed so much. from good to bad. from bad to worse.
from someone who is so like-able. to someone that you can hardly find a thing to like about.

i asked myself why. why did you turn into such a person.
am i to blame? am i the cause of your suffering?
a part of it yes. but to come to think of it .what resulted me in causing your suffering?
i guess you know it better than i do.

all the memories. so sweet yet so bitter.
it hurts to see a friend like you turning into a person like such.
are you truly happy?
you’re living in your own world. you shut your real self away.
you pretend. right?

i don’t know if you’re feeling sad. but me seeing you acting this way.
definitely made me tear.
it feels like. i lost a close friend. a very close friend.
not a very good feeling i must say.

i’m stupid enough to say all this. stupid enough to cry. stupid enough to feel upset.
but since i’m already that stupid. so just let me finish this.
stop doing that anymore. bring back the old you.

i hope my post did slap you hard. wake up already.
go. breakdown and cry. and lock this not-so-new you into a dark box .and bring back your old self.

i can only do this much.
i’m not gonna go any closer. i cant.
and im not willing to put myself out .just to get myself all hurt again.

really. there’s no more trust left. no more love.
there’s only this much.
you take care. friend.

why are you always picking on me?
you’re always picking about something. something about me.
why me ?

do you really hate me that much?
you constantly compare me with my cousin sisters, why is that so?
is there really nothing about me for you to be proud of?
i live my own life, you don’t expect me to follow everything you want me to be.

you just have to accept the fact that your daughter, ME is not an A-student.
nor am I a daughter who wakes at 8am, sleeps at 10pm.
work 6 days a week or whatsoever.
Sorry to disappoint you, i really am not that kind of person.

same goes to you.
i just have to accept that you will never give me allowance anymore and seriously, i accepted all the shits from you long ago.
i know you like to pick on me, well fine i try to keep quiet. i tolerate.
but can you please tolerate with me too.

can you like please. PLEASE stop comparing me with anybody else.
if you cant become the mother i wish to have, don’t force me to become a daughter that i cant be.
do you know how much i envy some girls, who can go shopping with their mom. who can laugh and talk.
where the mom will give hugs and kisses.
i know you aren’t like that, which is also why i never force you to be one.

i’m not that bad, am i?
i did not smoke, i did not do drugs, and i can’t even drink.
all i do is go out with my friends because they make me laugh, they make me happy.
there’s a reason why i never like to stay at home.
every time you saw me, you find faults in what i did or what i did not do.

mom, i’m a human.
human make mistakes and sometimes all i did is i forgot to take my hanging clothes from the bathroom.
i forgot, not that i don’t want to.

why can you forgot to turn off the gas stove and i cant forgot about things?
you cant blame me for loving dad more .he never compare me with anyone, he never said any harsh words like you did.
i’m the best for him but yet, for you i’m the worst.

i don’t know what kind of a person i am to you. never dare to ask anyway.
you might think that i’m those happy go lucky girl who never gives a shit about anything, who only knows how to go out and hang out with friends, do shits with friends and whatnot.
im an emo girl, i doubt if you even know that.
i cry a lot and most of the time, i can turn to no one but friends. i doubt if you know that too.

you always seems like you dislike me a lot.
i sometimes wonder, will you be a tad bit happier if i’m gone.
i remember you once said, take a bigger knife and cut yourself, small ones cant kill you..
i remember it till this very day. i remember every single shit you say to me.

it’s like, i wanted to say good morning to you.
but sometimes, i don’t even feel like talking to you anymore.
i guess you’ve no idea how much hurt you bring to me.

and you know what, i have the urge to show this to your bf so he can let you know, how exactly i am feeling.
i’ll never say all this straight to your face, i’ll probably cry till i cant say a single word.

and i too remember, you said.. i cry because i want people to sympathize me.
no mom, that is because i cant control my tears.
i don’t need anyone’s sympathy.

I’m a very superstitious girl.
And as I’ve always mentioned, a very paranoid girl as well.

You put a fengshui master or psychic or anyone who has the ability to so call read the future, I’ll turn myself into a little girl and ask non-stop.
Just that day, I was sitting with some friends and so happen one of them have the ability to read, sort of like a fengshui master.
I asked non-stop. What does my ear say about me? What does my nose say about me? What does my forehead say about me? I pay so much attention to what he said. I think I pay more attention to him than my lecturers, wtf.

Then I asked him, what will I be in the future. He said housewife.
I wanted to be a housewife actually. I’ve always wanted to stay at home and cook dinner while waiting for the husband to come back.
But then again if I were to be a housewife, what about my dream?

My dream of becoming the world-famous fashion designer. I sometimes feel like laughing at myself for dreaming the impossible. Me? Fashion designer? World famous? I must be kidding.
I can’t even draw. I’m not even creative.
Yah, that’s why it’s called a dream cause I’m dreaming.

I asked him if I can be a designer. He said, ‘Never mind. Mass comm is good for you. Designer, cant lar.’
My heart sank straight away. I hope he didn’t notice that.
I asked him again hoping that he’ll tell me something different this time.
He showed me an example, ‘You see like this guy siting opposite of you, he can be a great designer if he wants to. He’s got his own way. He wont bother what you tell him, he’ll just do what he wants.’

Then I thought to myself, I’m not like that. I bother what others say. I’m always a follower, not leader.
I follow trend, I don’t create the trend. I just follow.
Whereas designer is the creator, not follower. If you ask me to draw, I cant. I’ll go blank, I don’t know what to draw. But if you ask me to copy, I can.

Is this the reason why I cant be a designer?
You know, at the beginning of this post I wanted to say I don’t care whether others tell me that I can or I cant, I’ll still go for it. For I believe that if I really work hard, I can get what I want. Or at least I fail knowing that I try my best.

But my emoness fail me once again. I feel like letting go my dream. I feel like telling myself to stop dreaming and just do what I already am doing. Finish my damn degree and work 9-5, or worst still 9-10.

What more, I have to go earn money for the course if I really want to study design.
It makes it even more harder than it already is.

But I don’t want to be a nobody. I want to be a somebody. I don’t wanna be just another girl you know.
I’m afraid to try. I’m afraid to fail. Yet I don’t wanna be a nobody.
So contradicting.

I no longer know what I want. I don’t even believe in myself anymore.

i’m quite a simple girl with quite a simple mindset.
always hoping that the world will be a better place, hoping that Malaysia will be a better country.
i love my own country, i really do .
if you ask me do i want to migrate, i’ll say no. unless i’ve got no better choice.
no place is better than home.
but it gets to the point where it seems like the country cannot get any better anymore, not in the near future.
its getting worse actually.
when its that bad, you can’t help but think of leaving. sometimes its not like you want to, but you have to.

went out and have a drink with some friends and we talked about world issue and politics and stuff..
i keep stoning, i almost went crazy.
just like what happened to teo beng hock, it’s so depressing.
my friends told me exactly what happened and how he is a good man . how he died.
as i sit there listening to them, i feel a sharp pain. then i teared.
i can’t believe this! these people telling me the real world and stuff and i cried. in a mamak, wtf.
it’s so heart-wrenching. like really. ):

its so sad knowing that the world is operating this way.
all the wars, all the corruptions and bribery, all the greed, all the selfishness and conspiracy . its crazy.
the world is not cruel, it’s those heartless man who are cruel.
i cant accept how people make wars just for the money . i mean, i know money is something.
but you don’t go around killing tons of innocent people just for the money right.
i don’t know, i just cannot accept all this

my friend have this book which talks about conspiracy and he said if i read it, i’ll go suicide.
all the good man dies eventually. abraham lincoln. john f kennedy.
i know there will always be war, as the saying goes when there’s human there’s war.
such a depressing world. ):

why oh why?
why cant the world be a better place? ):

i’m gonna be real lonely .
everyone is like leaving me. or more like, everyone dear to me is leaving me. ):
some already left. )’:

my brother is leaving me too, oh no!
few more hours and thats it.
he’s leaving to malacca to pursue his studies .a pilot wannabe.
only left mom and maid at home with me. ):

no more mamak session with the brother.
no more watching movie at home with the brother.
no one to talk to at home.
so emo can. ):

to all the dearest, please stop leaving me behind. ):
no more males at home.
brother not here, dog also gone. sad case.

sigh little brother,
i wish you all the best and be a successful pilot in the future.
i guess dad is gonna be really proud of you .

didn’t know i’ll be this emo about brother leaving me behind.
very very the emo. ):

*can’t stop listening to this song. come home, how i wish.

brotheeeeeeer! ):