Here I am blogging from office because I just feel like I need to let it out plus I’ve got nothing much on hand right now.
Better not take me wrong, I’m not abandoning my work for this.

I miss taking the apartment’s lift, walking out to the street.
I miss crossing that street right in front of the apartment to Coles.
I miss grocery shopping at Coles.
I miss taking the train at Southern Cross.
I miss waiting for the tram.
I miss deciding whether I should buy the tram ticket while my boyf stares at me.
I miss walking in the cold. So cold I’m freeze to death.
I miss preparing breakfast while the boyf is soundly asleep.
I miss preparing dinner alone at home while the boyf is at the gym.
I miss preparing dinner while the boyf do his work.
I miss baking the frozen pizza for our supper.
I miss showering in that toilet.
I miss vacuuming the house.
I miss laying on the cheapest sofa bed we got from Ikea.
I miss locking the boyf while he’s at the balcony taking a puff.
I miss playing Lami with my friends while the guys plays Dota.
I miss playing pool at QV.
I miss QV’s mamak.
I miss drinking a hot cup of coffee in the cold.
I miss the autumn leaves.
I miss David Jones.
I miss the shops.
I miss Tien Ren.
I miss Lin Contro.
I miss San Churro.
I miss going to clubbing on Friday nights.
I miss seeing Dennis get drunk.
I miss Sam’s place.
I miss the egg benedicts and whatever it is.
I miss walking to Crown with the boyf.
I just really miss walking in Melbourne.
I even actually miss that brief moment staying in QV’s 3107.
I miss the room with a magnificent view.

Today or right now is just one of the days where I wish I could turn back time.
Those 3 months of memories, I wouldn’t trade with anything.
I just don’t know why I get really emotional thinking about it today.

no one but situation.
i just couldn’t stop my tears from flowing after watching the video footage on how our mother nature decides to sweep japan just like that.
how these people just lost their life like that without any warning, not a single way to escape.
how devastated will others be to find out their loved ones perished.
lost their homes. and everything else.
i feel truly sorry and upset though i never really like japan because of what they did to the innocent people during war but i don’t think any human being deserve any of these disaster.
everyone is praying for japan and the world, but how much of praying can really stop the tsunami?
no one can tell.

and i don’t know what i can do to help. i can only sit in my comfort zone and watch those heart wrenching videos.
it hurts to know how people in japan are struggling now and how i am sitting in my home so comfortably.
i cant help but to ponder will 2012 ever come true. it scares me so much, i cried like a freak.
it just hurts so bad to think of it, everyone in the world will be dead, every corner of the world will be left with nothing but dusts and dead bodies.
my family and my friends will all be gone and dead, including myself.
i don’t know what to do.

i don’t wanna demand for anything right now. i’m glad with what i have. i just want my family and friends to be safe and sound and also everyone else in the world to be safe and sound.
stop the wars and thefts and rapes and everything else that we human being ourselves can control.
natural disaster is bad enough for us, we really do not need this.

what can we all do for the world?
tell me if praying helps.
i hope those who perished will rest in peace and everyone else who are affected will stay strong.
please stay strong.

*
i should be happy today as another week just passed but i’m not at all. i feel so affected by this.
and i also cried thinking that i’m leaving mom and home for so long. i already miss her and home and brother.
cannot imagine myself going abroad for studies.
at times like this i realise, nothing beats my family and how much i love them.

Prayed at the temple before looking for dad, that’s what my mom always do every year.
And every year we do not know exactly the location of daddy because we always cant seem to remember the number lot.
Forever searching for it and of course, this time too.
In fact, even worse cause I cant remember as clearly as my mom.

Tried looking for it at the first piece of land but nope, just doesn’t feel like it.
Went over to the second piece of land.
We both searched high and low. I was feeling anxious.
I cant seem to find my dad. I was looking all around and I feel so goddamn lost for a moment.
Like a lost kid looking for parent. But indeed I am, just in a different way.

I thought I saw dad’s, I ran to it only to find out I was wrong.
I was so upset I couldn’t find my dad.
Then I look further and I ran again and there he is.
I stood there stoning. A mixture of intense happiness and sadness mix together.
So happy that I finally found him yet so sad, I’m standing in front of a grave.
I just stand there crying while the rain starts pouring. Exactly at the same time.

What a scene. Looked for Ben to tell him I found daddy.
Start lighting up joss stick and burning while it continues to rain.
Suddenly, it just seems so sad. And it’s just so hard to burn everything while it rains.
Cant help but cry and cry in front of daddy. Never dare cry in front of family whenever I visit daddy, I’m afraid they might get upset too.
Sometimes it’s just so hard to hold back my tears, that’s why I keep asking my mom when can I actually eat so that I get distracted.

I wish to sit there for a while but not able to, thanks to the rain.
*
Thanks for bringing me, it means so much.
Thanks for taking the time and effort. Thanks for going to such a place with me.
Hope daddy likes you.

But before that, hope my very-cool-mummy likes you first.

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and yes you heard me right, while i work.
blogging through my phone but the connection went cuckoo and i just realise my post didn’t went up.
but i’m not gonna post it again.

don’t remember much on what-the-heck i wrote.
i just am feeling really upset bout a few things.
really really upset.

this ain’t the first time.
why are you always telling stuff that you shouldn’t tell?
worse still, always to the wrong people.

was your intention to make fun of me?
if yes, congrats then. you succeed.
i feel humiliated.

for all that you’ve done, there’s only one thing i could feel.
you hate me.
you probably like it a lot if i get upset because of you.
you’ve been trying to upset me non stop.

if you really hate me that much, just leave.
that’s the only thing i can say.

I came across this very upset commercial on Youtube and would like to share it with you guys.
I wonder if this commercial make you cry, because i did.
My tears are always like the water from water tap, lousy stuff.

At the middle, it’s like my dad is talking to me.
Asked me to look after my mom and take good care of her. )’:
There’s always this gap between me and my mom, I’m trying to destroy.
Probably I did not work hard enough.

Anyway, tell me if you did cry after watching the commercial. hah. :\

第一次你陪我坐著
我的手心是空空的
我知道那些簡訊聲你努力藏著
還怕我難過

不追問到底為什么
是我最后的溫柔
想笑著附和說分開是好的
但我們卻怎么 一起哭了

我舍不得
可是時間回不去了
愛你很值得 只是該停了
沒有我你要好好的

我舍不得
最后一次抱緊你了
我們錯過的 錯了就錯了
不用擔心我 我不愛你了

不追問到底為什么
是我最后的溫柔
想笑著附和說分開是好的
但我們卻怎么 一起哭了

我舍不得
可是時間回不去了
愛你很值得 只是該停了
沒有我你要好好的

我舍不得
最后一次抱緊你了
我們錯過的 錯了就錯了
不用擔心我 我不愛你了

至少你記憶里的我 是微笑的
親愛的 有你牽著我的那些日子
真的好快樂

我舍不得
可是時間回不去了
愛你很值得 只是該停了
沒有我你要好好的

我舍不得
最后一次抱緊你了
我們錯過的 錯了就錯了
不用擔心我 我走了

这首歌让我的眼泪掉下了来.
我不想变得像这首歌说的那样.
我舍不得.

i laugh at my own stupidity as my tears roll down.
how fucking pathetic.

how fucking stupid i am.
anger. hurt. sad. regret. fuck up.

thank you.
thank you very much.

please. don’t even bother about this post.

it helps.
but now that i’m finally home, typing this.
it creeps into my mind again.

i thought i wouldn’t feel that much pain since it’s already the tenth.
but i’m wrong. i feel even worse.

exactly ten years ago. at this hour. you left.
remember how i lean on the bed. holding your hand ever so tightly and called you.
‘ba ba’

fuck. i’m not even finish and i’m already crying. fml
well fine. i don’t know what to say anymore.
wish you were here. as always.

dad. i’m pretty fine.
i hope you’re doing good too.
i’m getting a tattoo tomorrow.

it says.
fuck cancer.