你说: 等我.
我说: 我等. 我一定等你.

但, 为什么你没回来找我?
你忘了我们的承诺, 是吗?
你忘了我, 是吗?

你一去也再没回来了.

this week started off as a hell for me.
as i said earlier, holiday turned me into a rather lazy girl.

a lazy girl bombarded with plenty of assignments equals to *^$@&#*#&@^&@ *dut dut dut* !!
but my hardworking spirit *cheh* came back after a day.
its not that bad after all and now I’m so use to it.

waking up so early almost everyday.
discussions for hours and hours till evening.
nap for only an hour.
and go to bed earlier than usual.
sangat ber-routine, hah!

***
my lecturer asked us a question in the class the other day.
‘who had been in love before?’
some of the students raised up their hands. i did not.
i cant tell you why i did not raise up my hand, cause i myself do not know why either.

she asked for the second time.
‘who had been in love before?’
and more students response by raising up their hands this time, including myself.

she then asked another question.
‘whose heart had been broken before?’
i looked at her. i took a glimpse at those around me.
once again students raise up their hands.
i then raised up mine slowly, feeling rather stone because i wasn’t expecting my lecturer asking all these kind of questions in the class.

then she told us.
‘those who had their heart broken are those who love passionately.’

she once interviewed a drug addict.
she described this drug addict with a word.
skinny.
almost fleshless, what’s left is only bones wrapped by his skin.

then she told us how this drug addict inject himself.
i’ve got no idea how he did it but what she said was, he leaned on the wall, pushed himself into the needle, poking through his feet.
not on any part of his body but his feet.

heart-wrenching.
i know if i’m there to witness this scene, i’ll cry.

she asked him, what is the reason he did drugs.
and he answered, the girl he love left him.

my heart literally stopped for a moment.
‘those who had their heart broken, if they are painter they no longer paint, if they are writer they no longer write.’

this story just hit me somewhere. somehow.
i feel really sad for him.

love. can be the best thing yet the worst.
seems like. it can lift you up to heaven yet it can push you down to hell.

so beautiful .yet so ugly.

am i risking my undramatic life i asked myself.
am i risking all the peace i have right now, all the happiness i have right now.

are all these risks worth taking.

what if it repeats again?
full with hatred. full with anger. full with arguments and fights. full with tears.
and the heart broke into a million of pieces again, like the scar ain’t deep enough.

i told myself, no. do not take the risks.
but isn’t it funny how i feel that you’re the only one i feel like sharing my everything.
anything that happened in my life, my ups and downs. and vice versa despite the dramas we used to have.

only bestfriend.
i dare not think.

***
there’s stuff that bothers me.
stuff that makes me think, makes me worried, unsure of what to do.
i feel so annoyed these few days.

might be pms. might not wtf.
i do not like to hurt.
bye

i cried.
first time of the year.

the song that is currently playing brought me to tears.
how the lyrics exactly describe the me back then. how very me.
all the memories came flashing back.

so vivid.
so vivid that my tears started rolling down . my heart ache.
no. not that kind of ‘you broke my heart into a million of pieces’ kind of shit heartache.
no. this is not some lovey dovey shit.

you know how when you watch a movie.
when the story goes perfectly fine .how so beautifully written and in a split second .tragedy hits.
that kind of heart ache.

the feeling of disappointment. i never in my life feel this disappointed before.
so very disappointed till i cry.

my friend disappoint me. a friend who i use to grow up together with.
who changed so much. from good to bad. from bad to worse.
from someone who is so like-able. to someone that you can hardly find a thing to like about.

i asked myself why. why did you turn into such a person.
am i to blame? am i the cause of your suffering?
a part of it yes. but to come to think of it .what resulted me in causing your suffering?
i guess you know it better than i do.

all the memories. so sweet yet so bitter.
it hurts to see a friend like you turning into a person like such.
are you truly happy?
you’re living in your own world. you shut your real self away.
you pretend. right?

i don’t know if you’re feeling sad. but me seeing you acting this way.
definitely made me tear.
it feels like. i lost a close friend. a very close friend.
not a very good feeling i must say.

i’m stupid enough to say all this. stupid enough to cry. stupid enough to feel upset.
but since i’m already that stupid. so just let me finish this.
stop doing that anymore. bring back the old you.

i hope my post did slap you hard. wake up already.
go. breakdown and cry. and lock this not-so-new you into a dark box .and bring back your old self.

i can only do this much.
i’m not gonna go any closer. i cant.
and im not willing to put myself out .just to get myself all hurt again.

really. there’s no more trust left. no more love.
there’s only this much.
you take care. friend.

so…
2009 is coming to an end.

and to be honest, i am reluctant to see 2009 pass me by.
the year might not be an awesome one but nonetheless, it is still a good year.

this year seems a tad bit different.
i tried things i never thought of trying. i went to a lot of places.
and the most important of all, i met a lot of new people and some not so new ones.

the year is full with great memories. i miss every moment except a few sad ones of course. hah.
up and down, up and down.
a few downs this year but i pull it through. (:

the year start off with a very happy chinese new year with the secondary gang aka cheras clan aka ccoc. wth, haha.
went ‘bai nin’ with the gang which is the first time for me because very year i couldn’t make it. still stuck at hometown.
the superstitious me went to temple too. and also tarot reading. :\
also the first time i did something so daring, which is to get a tattoo. :X
went poppy for the first time which resulted in more poppy and zouk. haha
thomas and michael, new friends then. (:
(see, so many first time :’D)

second tattoo on february. (hardcore :\)
valentines day at chillis with jones.
first time chilling at skybar.
more clubbing. bwahah :’P

first time playing paintball on april. tsk tsk, effing pain. T_T
camwhore with ‘daddy’ :X
sean, kahz, and wu .new friends (:

may.
poppy poppy . ‘new’ friends, koonz and brucey ((:
i remember i told ee cheeng, ‘you see, that guy. super looks like ‘lei siu long’ geh..’ bwahahha
went to second tarot reading which is suuuppppeeerrrr accurate!! :O

june. *grins*
first time at decanter.
i remember that night :’D
and then MOS. i remember that night also. bwaha :’D
how we ‘talk’ at the dancefloor by typing on hp. lol
then its langkawi!!! get to sit on aeroplane with friends!! have lots of fun at langkawi. chit chat at the beach.
seafood. boats. jump shot. lanjiao ying. exploring around. and smses. (:
and penang!! food food and more food. the ship. steak, lol. bicycle. alphard
the best month throughout the year. lots of laughter and ♥. ((:

july i was pushed into poppy’s swimming pool, wth.
farewell. skypee. 3rd tattoo (:
fireworks at genting on merdeka eve.

september. peggy chow became an emo girl. lol
brother went to malacca. T_T
abit bit emo lar, not as terrible as last time. i changing. (:
gay night at maison. :O

celebrated my big two-one at mnep. november is ♥.
celebrated vivien’s, koon’s and ee’s 21 too.
where i start talking to piao. and siew cheong.
ouh, shisha for the 1st time also. ngehe

december. pika pika ♥. (:
get to meet the cheras gang for one whole month.
jayson’s farewell. piao’s farewell. hoegarden
and of course, not to forget..
the best xmas party. (:
gamble at genting’s casino for the 1st time and ‘donated’ 25 bucks. wth!! pfft

so that’s pretty much how my year goes. as for new year eve .
i’m gonna go curve and have dinner at tony roma’s with just a few people.
i just wanna sit ,have dinner, a couple of drinks and chit chat with them. (:

i really feel a little upset .2009 treats me quite well.
am a little too afraid to face a whole new year. :\

but anyway. this is ..
a year that i wouldn’t want to forget.
a year that is full with great people .great happenings. great laughter.
a big thank you for those who cared about me. for those who try to make me smile when i’m upset. for all the silly jokes. for all the late night chats. (:
and also a big sorry to those who i once lost my temper at. sorry, i don’t mean to sound harsh at times, just that my emotion took the better of me. so please. forgive me.
i ♥ all you guys.

here, i want to wish everyone out there in the world a very happy new year.
and for those who read my blog, thanks for taking the time though i know sometimes i crap a lot.
happy two-o-one-o to all you lovelies.

supposedly, this will be my last outing post for year 2009.
as for the title, i heard this song at estee’s birthday. so yeah.

* girls have to wear either pink or red, so here i am.. dress in pink.

* that’s canon G10 .

* ucsi mass comm girls. didn’t took much picture from my camera so yeah.. this is it.

piao’s farewell at ttdi. he already left to united states.

* hoegarden. my first time. :3

* the guys drank a lot, they ordered two towers and i don’t know how many pint of hoegarden.

* pohjuan, me and piao.

* thanks for the peanut butter m&m. better be good while you’re at kentucky. (:

* hi there long lost friend. (:

* a great night with you guys (:

* bwahaha, i cheat. i stepped on something that’s why i don’t look short here. :’P

there’s something, that made me feel disturbed.
but i dare not voice it out here for what the lady had told me.
i am not allow to let you know or show it to you that i am upset.
this is so totally insane.

sometimes. you put me on an emotional roller coaster ride.
no wait. you put me or i put myself?
i don’t know.

how so ironic .
i strongly dislike mom comparing me with whoever it is .but here i am..
comparing myself with someone else.

injecting in negative thoughts almost every second.
i understand how all the ‘people like you for who you are .and not for who you’re not’ kind of thing works.
but i just couldn’t bring myself to apply it at times.

these people who i compare myself with always seems so great .great in every sense.
so, where do the-not-so-great-me stand?

________________________________________________________________________

i’ve been going out so much .i almost feel guilty for not staying at home.
going out for birthdays. for house warming. for christmas stuff hunting. for christmas. for party and whatnot.
i’m quite worn out from all these activities. and no, it ain’t gonna stop here.
i still have a birthday party to attend tonight and also not to forget our new year eve.

december is meant to party, haha. i can rest when january comes. :X
i’ve got some pictures. cheah’s house warming and loo’s birthday but i’m a little too lazy to upload it here.
you can check it out at facebook,

i gotta continue resizing and editing my pictures.
till then. ♥

why are you always picking on me?
you’re always picking about something. something about me.
why me ?

do you really hate me that much?
you constantly compare me with my cousin sisters, why is that so?
is there really nothing about me for you to be proud of?
i live my own life, you don’t expect me to follow everything you want me to be.

you just have to accept the fact that your daughter, ME is not an A-student.
nor am I a daughter who wakes at 8am, sleeps at 10pm.
work 6 days a week or whatsoever.
Sorry to disappoint you, i really am not that kind of person.

same goes to you.
i just have to accept that you will never give me allowance anymore and seriously, i accepted all the shits from you long ago.
i know you like to pick on me, well fine i try to keep quiet. i tolerate.
but can you please tolerate with me too.

can you like please. PLEASE stop comparing me with anybody else.
if you cant become the mother i wish to have, don’t force me to become a daughter that i cant be.
do you know how much i envy some girls, who can go shopping with their mom. who can laugh and talk.
where the mom will give hugs and kisses.
i know you aren’t like that, which is also why i never force you to be one.

i’m not that bad, am i?
i did not smoke, i did not do drugs, and i can’t even drink.
all i do is go out with my friends because they make me laugh, they make me happy.
there’s a reason why i never like to stay at home.
every time you saw me, you find faults in what i did or what i did not do.

mom, i’m a human.
human make mistakes and sometimes all i did is i forgot to take my hanging clothes from the bathroom.
i forgot, not that i don’t want to.

why can you forgot to turn off the gas stove and i cant forgot about things?
you cant blame me for loving dad more .he never compare me with anyone, he never said any harsh words like you did.
i’m the best for him but yet, for you i’m the worst.

i don’t know what kind of a person i am to you. never dare to ask anyway.
you might think that i’m those happy go lucky girl who never gives a shit about anything, who only knows how to go out and hang out with friends, do shits with friends and whatnot.
im an emo girl, i doubt if you even know that.
i cry a lot and most of the time, i can turn to no one but friends. i doubt if you know that too.

you always seems like you dislike me a lot.
i sometimes wonder, will you be a tad bit happier if i’m gone.
i remember you once said, take a bigger knife and cut yourself, small ones cant kill you..
i remember it till this very day. i remember every single shit you say to me.

it’s like, i wanted to say good morning to you.
but sometimes, i don’t even feel like talking to you anymore.
i guess you’ve no idea how much hurt you bring to me.

and you know what, i have the urge to show this to your bf so he can let you know, how exactly i am feeling.
i’ll never say all this straight to your face, i’ll probably cry till i cant say a single word.

and i too remember, you said.. i cry because i want people to sympathize me.
no mom, that is because i cant control my tears.
i don’t need anyone’s sympathy.