Walking Into A New Adulthood

Hello my friends, hello readers I no longer have.
There’s this little urge in me that made me want to start blogging again and by again I don’t mean once every few months. I mean like old times or at least commit to once a month if once a week is too hard to stick with.
I gave my blog a new facelift because I think it deserves one and also because the old look doesn’t resonate with me anymore. I need to be happy with how my blog looks to be able to blog, specific much.
I customized the template a fair bit and it was fun yet irritating at the same time. With that said, being able to deal with css and html does gave me a sense of achievement.

I am turning 30 in a day time and I feel like a blog post is due. In addition to that, my blog is 12!
Like it is about to enter teenage years and that just blows my mind a little.
30 used to feel so far away but right now, it’s just here. How did the past 10 years went by so quickly!?
The memories seem to be getting more and more vague or was it because I kinda finally let go of the past?
I tend to reread my own posts every now and then to see if I grow or have any changes in thoughts or something along the line. So before I started typing away I read a few of my own posts and there was this post a little over a year ago in particular that made me realise, I did move forward.

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It is such a cliche to start a blog post with ‘how time flies’ but boy, time does fly!
A little shy of two months and my last post will be a year ago; I’ve almost left Melbourne for a year now.

As of now, ‘All for love’ by Rod Stewart is playing in the background and I am on a couch typing away, trying to release my emotions build up through a keyboard while overlooking my small cafe.
I had a dream last night and I am unsure if I want to put it into the pleasant category or the unpleasant category.
In my dream, it was as if nothing bad happened and I was happy. Truly happy but alas it was just a dream.

I am not living in the past, that I can be sure of. I want nothing more or nothing less to come out of it and I clearly know that without those significant events I wouldn’t have been where I am now today.
In less than a year after I am back from my favourite city, by chance I get to open up a really tiny cafe and head towards the dream that I’ve always wanted.
It has been a little over a month now and I am working my way to make greater things happen.

I do feel a little worn out from working long hours but I look forward to each morning because I really am doing what I love.
I wish dad is here to witness all these (and if you’ve been a loyal reader you will know by now that I am tearing lol). What’s new? Not my trapped emotions haha.
I may have been slightly stress out lately and I am not as focus as I wish to be. I need to find my way back.
I know I work hard but I also know that I don’t work hard enough for my own liking.
I know I can do better and I should do better. As with everything, hard work and perseverance is the key.

Guess it’s about time I re-search for that balance.
I need to get out and shoot some street photographs to keep myself sane, that’s one thing for sure.

The smell of my room signifies a fresh start.
The smell of my room brings back the memories of my youthful days, days when I was living life as the second version of myself.
Each version signifies a big change, I’m on my fourth now.

I’m gonna enjoy this smell while it last, the smell of new IKEA furnitures, the smell of university days.
The smell of a lost girl who parties every week.
The smell of a new beginning, the smell of new found freedom, and the smell of new love.

It’s A Start

Today is the 31st of July 2017.
More than half a year has gone and what have you achieved in this seven months?
Did you stick to the resolution that you made for yourself?
I don’t really remember mine or I can’t even be sure if I had one but I think I said I wanted to be better. To be a better person in general perhaps, a better daughter, a better friend, a better employee, just to be better.

Well I’d like to think that I am finally making a greater effort to be a better person.
For a start, I am finally paying attention to my health and what I am eating. (Of course the secret to this is that I gained almost 3 kilograms which is totally unacceptable.)
I guess the reason for my weight gain is that I binge eat on my road to recovery from a bad break up.
I remember myself binge eating a lot of years back after a break up and I gained weight to the point where a mamak guy told me that I’m getting fatter haha. That is so embarrassing.
Eating makes me happy, it still does but I would like to do it more consciously.

So my brother asked me what have I been eating in Melbourne. :(

So now I am just trying to shed some fats by doing it the right way.
I went to gym and did exercise at home 5 days in a week which is shocking because I’ve never really been this dedicated.
I have since stopped eating butter and I won’t eat butter until I lost my weight. In fact even after I lost my weight I still wouldn’t eat butter like how I used to with exception at fine dining restaurants cause their bread and butter are always super nice haha.
I’ve also cut down sugar which is the number one source for weight gain. I didn’t realise how sugar is in everything until I became more concious by checking on the nutrition information on food packagings. Just because you don’t eat ice-cream or cakes doesn’t mean you’re not having sugar intake.
SUGAR IS EVERYWHERE! Wanted to put tomato relish on my toast but I realise the existence of sugar in it so I ended up slathering mustard instead which have zero sugar by the way.

I’ve cut down my rice intake as well and it has been four days since I last had rice. SHOCKING seeing that I am such a rice freak. Instead of eating rice for dinner I eat my roast vegetables with fish or chicken with quinoa wraps.
I’ve cut down red meat tremendously, only twice last week and this is a news because if you know me I am a fucking carnivore. I eat like a man, I need my meat and rice.
Now I’m just like, roast vegetables without oil and sauce wtf.
For breakfast I just have bircher,chia or rice flakes with soy milk. Me, soy milk. Me and soy milk.
It’s a joke, I never drink soy milk in Australia.
Even when I get a free cup of chai I was asking questions like are there sugar and milk in it.
I can have soy milk with anything but not coffee. I need my coffee with full cream milk and my way of cutting it is instead of drinking a 7oz coffee at work, I now drink piccolo instead.
It is not entirely for health and weight issues, I also want to be more ethical towards animals.
I know I cant be vegetarian but I just want to say no to red meat as much as I can.
The image of these animals screaming while being slaughter kinda makes me go…….. I don’t know how to put it in words.
I know I will never give it up entirely but I still want to make an effort to cut it out as much as I can.

I’ve been buying free range eggs for a long time now and although the price is almost double from caged eggs I still tell myself to make peace with the price. It’s a pity to have a life being caged, no where to roam and then ended up in someone’s dinner plate.
I talked to my mom a couple of days ago and said that we need to start eating free range chicken and she said one free range chicken is equivalent to two chickens she bought from market.
So I said it’s okay, we cant bring the money along to our grave anyway and she said, ‘yeah but you never ever pay for the chickens.’ HAHAHA, yeap sorry mom. I’ll still convince her none the less.

There are people who decided to be a vegetarian or vegan and if you are one of them, good on you.
Sometimes being a vegan seems like a hipster thing to do but being vegan doesn’t equals to not eating meat and eggs, or not drinking milk. The commitment is more to that.
It means no honey and mayonnaise. It means no leather goods and if you want to be a vegan please give up your channel bag or prada shoes. It means no fur and no down jacket that contains real feather. It really means so much more.

I’m not a person who can do something so great that I can change the world but I want to do my small part as one of the residence of this earth to make this place less shitty that’s all.
If I can make a change in my eating habits and diet for animals, all the more I should do better in trying to make a change for human beings.

All my life I’ve been the kind of consumer who buy cheap things, buy loads of them even if they’re of the shittiest quality. I went to Bangkok with an empty luggage bag, filled it all up with new buys and home it went with me.
All the clothes that I have is weighing me down (and probably 25% of them I have yet to touch). Like it is giving me mental frustration because it is so cluttered.
So now I made a promise to myself to declutter my wardrobe and in the future shop from ethical and sustainable clothing brands, to go for slow fashion instead of fast fashion. Buy quality instead of quantity.

Don’t spiral into that consumerism hole whereby you feel like you need to buy the newest collection from places like Topshop and Zara every other week, wore it once and never be seen by the daylight again.
I’ve seen people like such because they cant be seen wearing the same clothing because really, you gotta be trendy to be cool.
If you’d like to check on how ethical a certain brand is, you can download this app called ‘Good on you’ and they will have ratings with descriptions on how the company is doing for you.
As far as I’m concern, Adidas seems like a more ethical brand than Nike.
Although brands like H&M or Zara are fast fashion but in my opinion as long as you take care of your clothing and willing to let go of being on trend, it doesn’t really matter if you shop from these places with the condition that they are being ethical to their factory workers.
Sustainability is not only buying from ethical brands, it is also about not having your clothing end up in landfills. It is going to end up being the same if you buy from ethical brands but only wear it twice. In a way you can still very well purchase that dress from Zara as long as your dress has a long life span. H&M has got a ‘concious’ collection so despite not being 100% ethical or sustainable, brands like such are also trying. Zara also discloses details of factories and do not use child labour so it really is a good start.

I don’t have the habit of taking good care of my belongings but from now on I will take good care of my clothings so that they can last longer. I think buying from ethical and sustainable brands help cause they aren’t cheap in the first place and because they’re not as affordable I have to look after them otherwise I’ll be broke as shit.

You know what else is good by shopping ethically?
You actually save so much more from not buying fur or leather goods.
Because you want to be ethical and live a sustainable life you will be able to give up the thought of owning branded leather goods and by that you get to put your money into better use.
I only have two leather goods in my life right now, one Louis Vuitton bag which is a hand me down from my mom (actually I snatched it from her HAHA) and my Chloe wallet which I bought last year.
I’ve always wanted a Prada wallet because I reckon a good leather wallet can last me a long long time (but I’m not willing to pay the price and I lost interest in the design so I opt for Chloe instead). Now that I’ve changed my mindset towards leather all the more I will use it for an extended time.
I’m not sure if I want to have more leather goods because most of the leather goods created made our world a much more harmful place to live in as much as it is a by product from meat industry.

Modern leather tanneries and the leather they make are frighteningly toxic. So toxic, that there are more tanneries than any other business on the Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) Superfund list, the list that identifies the priority environmental cleanups in the U.S. So toxic, that 95% of U.S. tanneries have moved their operations overseas to avoid environmental oversight penalties. So toxic, that many old tannery sites can’t be used for agriculture or built on or even sold.” Rowan Gabrielle, from “Leather for life” White Paper.

Unless it is stated that said leather goods uses vegetable tanning or is made from recycled leather, I might very well give it all up all together (and not like I can afford anyway).
We really should start checking the sources of our food and clothings, which we often spend the most of our money on. Vote with our money, we shall.

We can never do a 100% but we can each do 10% and with today’s earth population, imagine what 10% from each and everyone of us can do to make a change.
As the year and technology moves forward, our humanity, our conciousness as a human being and our earth are moving backwards. It’s a shame, really.

Tasmania/ June 2017

Tasmania has been nothing but amazing (except being ridiculously cold, gloomy, and rather quiet). I’ve been wanting to go to Tasmania for the longest time for their southern light but unfortunately no southern light was there for me. The KP number was at it’s lowest and everyday Tassie was just a big gloomy ball.

I was in Hobart for two nights with my mom and other relatives when they came to visit. Due to time constraint I didn’t get to explore Launceston, the upper part of Tasmania. Don’t we always have to leave some small regrets behind so that we have something to look forward to in the future.

Tried using ND filter for the first time to create those soft dreamy waves with a longer exposure but I reckon I needed a higher stop filter. Pretty happy how it turned out though.

Another try.

Joined a tour and have a guide took us to Mount Wellington and boy was it freezing cold. Everyone stayed indoor looking at the scenery through a glass but I didn’t want to let the cold stop me from taking photographs of this breathtaking view. After about ten minutes I felt a sharp pain on my ears because the wind was just too strong and the cold was unbearable.

Hobart under my feet.

The guide also took us to Tahune Airwalk which is pretty similar to Otway Fly Tree Top Walk in Victoria. If you like easy hiking, you’ll probably like Tahune as the hike was really easy with interesting views along the way. Spotted tons of different types of mushrooms.

My relatives split up with us so it was just me and my mom walking and hiking together which gave us a really good time to bond in the nature. It just felt so nice to have my mom there exploring with me and talking about everything.

Hobart city, can’t do without a street photo.

Back in Victoria, at Ballarat wildlife park. Llamas in their formation haha.

My mom’s expression trying to tell you that she can’t deal with animals being so near to her.

This was actually so funny because after a short while my mom screamed and said there was poop on the kangaroo’s claw and she freaked out hahaha. There are poops all over the place so there should be lots of poops on these kangaroos’ claws haha.

The usual spot for tourist, Saint Kilda. Breathtaking sunset, as always.

She’s just getting cuter as she age, she said she wants to take fancy ‘artistic’ picture and I kinda interpreted it as silhouette lol.

One and only penguin we spotted at St. Kilda.

Tasmania didn’t quite turn out to be how I expected because it was way too gloomy and there was no southern light that I was expecting. The silly me also made a mistake by not checking MONA’s opening hours hence on the day when I wanted to visit MONA it was actually close. :(
I might actually go for a day trip just for MONA before I fly home end of next month, that’s how bad I want to pay MONA a visit.

I also managed to take some photos with my newly bought Nikon F3 (not so new anymore) and I shall upload it soon when my time ain’t so pack.
Till then.


Life as we know it…

My trapped emotions went haywire today. I totally lost it in the shower for no absolute reason.
I noticed a pattern, this tend to hit me every couple of months.
My heart felt so heavy like it just hit rock bottom.

Perhaps it is the quietness of my surrounding after my mom and my brother went back home from visiting me back to back.
It feels so nice to be surrounded by my dearest, the familiarity and the comfort that they seem to provide. The calmness they give me like everything else in the world is okay.

Few weeks ago I found out through Facebook that a guy whom at one point in my life means the world to me passed away. He was also my friend’s brother and I just do not know what to feel or how to react, or even what to say to this friend of mine. We’re all adults now and friends do go separate ways but he was once a very close friend of mine and although it has been years since I last saw him, I still do feel the pain for him and his family. It is a lot to take in especially when our old memories came flooding back. It was a very short period of my life but I could remember it as if it was yesterday.

The incident brought me to a lot of questioning.

A news came on today on how Airasia’s plane that was headed to Perth shook for 90 minutes midair due to a blade that sheared off an engine and I was absolutely taken aback.
If you know me well, you know that I don’t deal very well with bad air plane news.
My family just came and left, what are the odds. Or what about myself.
What if I was the one who were in the plane, what if the plane did indeed crash.
I couldn’t help but ask myself if all my what ifs did happen, what is my biggest regret in life?
At this point of my life, all I have with me is faded memories and a shattered heart, is that all?

I regret holding back. If I were to die tomorrow, I regret holding myself back.
The transition that I have to face for going back home to KL puts me off and I kept delaying what was supposed to be June to July to August.
I fear the transition, I fear jumping out of my comfort zone but I gotta do what I gotta do.
If I keep pushing it back, I will never go forward and start doing something for myself.
If I die tomorrow I will never know if I will be able to make it on my own because I never get the chance to try, because I was too afraid so it was like a never ending postpone session.
I would rather die trying than to not try at all.
Perhaps I just gotta tell myself that mistakes will come, inevitably but if I am strong enough to brace through it good results will wait for me at the end of all struggles.

Recently I’ve been getting these messages telling me that life is short, perhaps it is a way to show me that I really have to reset my priorities in life.
Just today, my tutor for my photography class told us that one of the other tutor (who initially was supposed to teach in my class) got diagnosed with cancer. I don’t even know him but my heart sank. That’s a lot of bad news in a day, more than I could handle.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be too worried over things I cant change and have no control over.
Perhaps it is time I work even harder towards whatever goal I set for myself or at the very least just keep improving in whatever that I can, or you know just improve as a person.
Life is hard as it is but at least make it a worthwhile one.