I usually break down over two things.
My father who is no longer here or a person I couldn’t get over.

But today it is because of myself.
I just subscribed to Masterclass and the first class I took is Sara’s Blakely entrepreneur class.
‘Ask yourself, what are you good at?’ This question came up again and again, and I asked myself repeatedly. I got so frustrated and all I could say out loud was ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM GOOD AT!’

I really don’t. I honestly think there is nothing that I am good at besides crying wtf. That, I can be a fucking champion. I am not the smartest kid in school, not the brightest child at home, definitely not the most discipline and hardworking person. I am neither of those.

I promised my dad when he passed that I will get 5As for UPSR and I only got 2. When PMR came I told myself, ‘there is your second chance’ and I got another 2As. SPM came, my third chance and I got 3As. 4 years studying for a degree with a 50k loan on my back, I got an A for my last semester. Consolation much.

I’ve only work as a brand coordinator for half a year after I graduated and after that it was all random freelance job. Selling liquor, selling cigarettes, giving out fliers because I was always chasing for money. Of all the relationship I had, my worst relationship is with money. Everyone was building their career, setting up their life for a good future and there I was just chasing quick money for myself to spend.

The most I have achieved for myself was to become a barista in Melbourne. The proudest thing I’ve done was to work 30 days straight, eight to twelve hours long of standing each day. I was happy and I love truly love my job but today it no longer feels the same. Nothing feels the same anymore.

31 years old and I am just so clueless right now I feel like I have absolute no control over my life. I don’t know how to make it work and it hurts me to know that all these while I’ve just been a headless chicken, not knowing what I’m chasing. Perhaps all these years I was trying to prove to my mom I am not useless like how she thinks I am but today I realise, I really am pretty useless.

I don’t know what I am good at. I have no direction. And maybe it comes to a point where I don’t even know what I love doing anymore.