Life as we know it…

My trapped emotions went haywire today. I totally lost it in the shower for no absolute reason.
I noticed a pattern, this tend to hit me every couple of months.
My heart felt so heavy like it just hit rock bottom.

Perhaps it is the quietness of my surrounding after my mom and my brother went back home from visiting me back to back.
It feels so nice to be surrounded by my dearest, the familiarity and the comfort that they seem to provide. The calmness they give me like everything else in the world is okay.

Few weeks ago I found out through Facebook that a guy whom at one point in my life means the world to me passed away. He was also my friend’s brother and I just do not know what to feel or how to react, or even what to say to this friend of mine. We’re all adults now and friends do go separate ways but he was once a very close friend of mine and although it has been years since I last saw him, I still do feel the pain for him and his family. It is a lot to take in especially when our old memories came flooding back. It was a very short period of my life but I could remember it as if it was yesterday.

The incident brought me to a lot of questioning.

A news came on today on how Airasia’s plane that was headed to Perth shook for 90 minutes midair due to a blade that sheared off an engine and I was absolutely taken aback.
If you know me well, you know that I don’t deal very well with bad air plane news.
My family just came and left, what are the odds. Or what about myself.
What if I was the one who were in the plane, what if the plane did indeed crash.
I couldn’t help but ask myself if all my what ifs did happen, what is my biggest regret in life?
At this point of my life, all I have with me is faded memories and a shattered heart, is that all?

I regret holding back. If I were to die tomorrow, I regret holding myself back.
The transition that I have to face for going back home to KL puts me off and I kept delaying what was supposed to be June to July to August.
I fear the transition, I fear jumping out of my comfort zone but I gotta do what I gotta do.
If I keep pushing it back, I will never go forward and start doing something for myself.
If I die tomorrow I will never know if I will be able to make it on my own because I never get the chance to try, because I was too afraid so it was like a never ending postpone session.
I would rather die trying than to not try at all.
Perhaps I just gotta tell myself that mistakes will come, inevitably but if I am strong enough to brace through it good results will wait for me at the end of all struggles.

Recently I’ve been getting these messages telling me that life is short, perhaps it is a way to show me that I really have to reset my priorities in life.
Just today, my tutor for my photography class told us that one of the other tutor (who initially was supposed to teach in my class) got diagnosed with cancer. I don’t even know him but my heart sank. That’s a lot of bad news in a day, more than I could handle.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be too worried over things I cant change and have no control over.
Perhaps it is time I work even harder towards whatever goal I set for myself or at the very least just keep improving in whatever that I can, or you know just improve as a person.
Life is hard as it is but at least make it a worthwhile one.

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