I’m a very superstitious girl.
And as I’ve always mentioned, a very paranoid girl as well.

You put a fengshui master or psychic or anyone who has the ability to so call read the future, I’ll turn myself into a little girl and ask non-stop.
Just that day, I was sitting with some friends and so happen one of them have the ability to read, sort of like a fengshui master.
I asked non-stop. What does my ear say about me? What does my nose say about me? What does my forehead say about me? I pay so much attention to what he said. I think I pay more attention to him than my lecturers, wtf.

Then I asked him, what will I be in the future. He said housewife.
I wanted to be a housewife actually. I’ve always wanted to stay at home and cook dinner while waiting for the husband to come back.
But then again if I were to be a housewife, what about my dream?

My dream of becoming the world-famous fashion designer. I sometimes feel like laughing at myself for dreaming the impossible. Me? Fashion designer? World famous? I must be kidding.
I can’t even draw. I’m not even creative.
Yah, that’s why it’s called a dream cause I’m dreaming.

I asked him if I can be a designer. He said, ‘Never mind. Mass comm is good for you. Designer, cant lar.’
My heart sank straight away. I hope he didn’t notice that.
I asked him again hoping that he’ll tell me something different this time.
He showed me an example, ‘You see like this guy siting opposite of you, he can be a great designer if he wants to. He’s got his own way. He wont bother what you tell him, he’ll just do what he wants.’

Then I thought to myself, I’m not like that. I bother what others say. I’m always a follower, not leader.
I follow trend, I don’t create the trend. I just follow.
Whereas designer is the creator, not follower. If you ask me to draw, I cant. I’ll go blank, I don’t know what to draw. But if you ask me to copy, I can.

Is this the reason why I cant be a designer?
You know, at the beginning of this post I wanted to say I don’t care whether others tell me that I can or I cant, I’ll still go for it. For I believe that if I really work hard, I can get what I want. Or at least I fail knowing that I try my best.

But my emoness fail me once again. I feel like letting go my dream. I feel like telling myself to stop dreaming and just do what I already am doing. Finish my damn degree and work 9-5, or worst still 9-10.

What more, I have to go earn money for the course if I really want to study design.
It makes it even more harder than it already is.

But I don’t want to be a nobody. I want to be a somebody. I don’t wanna be just another girl you know.
I’m afraid to try. I’m afraid to fail. Yet I don’t wanna be a nobody.
So contradicting.

I no longer know what I want. I don’t even believe in myself anymore.