Hi blog, I’ve missed you this personal space of mine!
2016 has finally came to an end and I’d like to wish you a very happy new year and really, hello again now that you’re here reading my old dusty rusty blog.
No one is expecting this year end post, not even myself but here I am.
Perhaps it is time to revive this space.
When you’ve taken a long enough break from something that used to be a routine, things may very well move to a new direction.
When I moved to Melbourne I felt like I was too caught up with life, too tired and lazy from making ends meet. All those house work and work load drained me.
So I just gradually stopped posting here and updated my dayre a whole lot more instead but that too eventually stopped.
I felt like I no longer have happy thoughts to pen down and share so I just stopped altogether.
Even though I stopped updating my social medias with thoughts and feelings but I am a person who cant stop penning down thoughts especially when my heart is too heavy and weary.
So I continued typing but I did it on my phone’s ‘Notes’ and those posts never see the light of day.
In the middle of last year Fatty and I broke up. I can’t even recall calling him Fatty until I took a quick glance at my previous posts and I honestly do not have the courage to go through my blog for now.
I really did suffer immense heartbreak but I must say I’ve been coping rather well with the agreement from my close friends of course.
I’ve changed.
Was it a dramatic break up? Yeah, probably a little bit.
Did I go crazy? Yeah, probably a little bit too.
Did I handle it differently this time? Yeah I did.
I would’ve been so drama about it all over Facebook or any social media for that matter but I just choose to focus on healing myself.
Maybe I really am too old for this, I do not have the will in me to expose people like how I used to.
Honestly though, there’s no need to.
Right from the beginning I never quite understood why but half a year has gone by and at the very end I had an epiphany, finally seeing the bigger picture. Or to put it in better words I’ve always been fighting with myself and a huge part of me knew that it’s a losing battle that I am in but I choose to believe otherwise. I’m a born fighter so I don’t really surrender and give up until someone stab me in my heart, literally.
I will only admit defeat at the very end and right now I’ve reached the end.
Today if you ask me I really didn’t know how I managed to survive the first couple of months.
Half the time I was in a very numb state and another half most likely crying my eyes out haha.
I moved around quite a bit because I didn’t know how to face the whole situation. I didn’t know how to continue living together and face him while my heart was broken into pieces so I just sort of moved between houses.
I was really quite devastated if I must say, it did affect my work, my sleep and my health.
It took me some while to come to terms with what happened and it took a lot of self convincing to be stronger than ever.
I just kept reminding myself that I survived my dad’s passing so honestly what’s the big deal here?
Really, that’s how I got through it and of course with the help of my supportive friends.
I know how ranting about relationships can be so annoying so I am thankful that these friends of mine are willing to deal with what I was experiencing.
One of the hardest part about this break up was breaking the news to my mom and it took me a while to actually come clean.
I knew that saying ‘we broke up’ to my mom will break me inside so I was just trying to hold this piece of news for as long as I could but then again telling her what happened was one of the best decision made.
Honestly speaking I never talk to my mom about my relationship issues and this was the first time ever she saw me cry over a guy. I normally do it behind closed doors, the crying.
The thought of her being sad seeing me cry, showing her my weakness actually makes me even more devastated.
I hate it when my family member is sad, I can’t deal with it because I feel everything very intensely.
Last thing that I wanted was for my mom to be upset seeing me cry because I just couldn’t stop crying.
Despite everything, my relationship with my mom has been drastically improved ever since and now I love hanging out with her haha.
I am very aware of the whole situation truth be told, that in the midst of loving someone I lost myself.
Why do I never put myself above my partner, this I never seem to understand.
I guess I wanted love too much resulted from the lack of love from a father.
But how can you learn if you don’t fall and fail right?
I really grew yet again, stronger and wiser from this ordeal.
No one (including myself) can believe that someone like me can ACTUALLY stay away from drama haha but I did it anyway.
Sometimes I really want to give myself a pat on the shoulder because really, Peggy is not drama free. HAHA!
Through this inevitable break up my vision and mind has been opened and I kinda love it.
I still feel sad but I am no longer in pain. Honestly though sad is unavoidable because I love hard.
I don’t jump from one guy to another nor will I like someone in the midst of dating a person because I don’t know how.
It’s not even like I didn’t want to, I just don’t know how.
Someone once asked me, why would you try so hard to drag a person who is not willing to go to the top of the mountain with you along? Why don’t you climb up to the top of the mountain and meet someone who is already there, who is already at the destination you want to be at. I was just like woah……………… point taken thank you very much.
I’ve been so tired and worn out from trying so I made a decision that I do not want to live that way ever again.
I don’t want to fight for a battle not worth fighting because frankly speaking there is no point choking on a love gone wrong.
As cliche as this may sound, when the right one comes I know I will thank God more than ever for being so kind to me.
Like I said a lot of times in this relationship I knew it was wrong but I didn’t wanna give up without fighting even if it means getting bruises all over me. At the very least I know I have done my best and regret will not come from my side anymore.
Half a year is a very good time to see what I needed to see, to find out what I needed to know, to understand my own needs, to move on and lastly to let go.
If I say I don’t feel sad anymore its a lie, I always get overly attached so I probably need a long long time to let go of what we had for more than five years but do I still want to hang on to it, the answer is no.
/I never understand why people who love each other cant be together or a person will say no when he/she still obviously have feelings but right this point, I finally understand. Feeling is not everything because in this world, if you don’t be a realist you’re kinda fucked. Least that’s how I see it, alas feelings really ain’t everything.
For those who are going through a bad break up, stay strong because imagine when the right one comes, everything will make sense. If you can love the wrong one so dearly, what about the right one? ;)
And for now, no love is as important as self love.
Also I don’t want to pinpoint on who is right or wrong because sometimes love is just love.
Anyway I just read this so thought that I’d share it here.
So it is said that we only fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children.
This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.
Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.
It’s a love that looks right.
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.
It’s the love that we wished was right.
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.
We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.
Good lord, the first and second love cant be any truer.
Now I just sit and wait for my third and last love, can?
I give you my address you come and knock on my door, haha!
P/S: I may really start updating more on this space from now on.
