There is so many things going in my mind just now that I want to blog it out.
But it seems so hard now when I’m sitting right in front of this computer.
He went for some pilot interview just now.
Being a pilot is his back up, second best choice for him.
His parents support him and actually want him to be a pilot.
Being a pilot looks cool, yes, I admit.
And being a pilot can brings home quite a lot of money. (Which is why his parents want him to be a pilot.)
Do I want him to be a pilot? It is hard for me to answer this.
If he couldn’t pass this semester, he might leave to New Zealand or Australia by July.
One of my friends told me that pilot can f*** any stewardess he wants.
Sorry if my words hurt anyone, but this is what my friend told me.
Even if pilot cant f*** any stewardess he wants, I guess maybe some of the stewardess will also come to the pilot itself.
I am not saying that my boyfriend is handsome, but his look are quite good and he is young. No one can guarantee that stewardess wont stick to him.
And I cant guarentee he wont stick to stewardess either.
He loves to be pilot. He wants to be a pilot.
I want so much to support him, but I just cant.
I don’t have faith in him and I don’t trust him.
I trusted him before, again and again, and until today, I actually don’t trust him anymore.
I trust him sooo many times, yet, he destroy the trust I have in him.
He broke his promises, cheated on me, and hurt me too many times.
It is so hard for me to trust him again, especially in this situation, where there are loads of stewardess waiting for him.
See, I do love him a lot. More than he love me, I know that. And I am not ready to let him go yet. He don’t love me that much, I know that too.
Well, from the start till now, he is still the same. He don’t actually love me with his heart, like I do. A girl just know it, how much the boy loves her.
He don’t have to explain and try hard, I know you don’t really love me.
It is like a job, fetching me, coming to my house, calling me, and stuff.
This is not from his heart, this is not because he loves me, this is more like a task to him.
He know truly what the heck I want, what I need, what I love. Yet, he didn’t do it.
Because he don’t love me enough. To think of it, he seldom use his heart to make me smile. Well, the same things I told him, he change for like a week or so, and then he become the old him again. Too many times, till I am bored of saying.
His mistakes, I forgive but not forget. Sometimes, I thought to myself, maybe I should let go last time, then I will have lesser heart break.
But I love him too much, how can I let go?
He knows my weakness – love him, thats why he attack me. He knows that I wont leave him, thats why he don’t care. I know, some guys are like that. Or maybe I should say, humans are like that. They never appreciate things they have.
From what I see, I think our relationship wont last forever. I already have the picture of leaving him someday. Not because I don’t love him, but is because I love him too deeply.
I know you will read this post. If you love to be pilot, then do it.
Don’t because of me and let go your dream. I am not your wife, so you don’t have to do it just because of me. Just follow your heart and do what you like. I am serious.
Thinking of him no longer be by my side and leave me all alone just breaks my heart.
I want to cry…………
