Well hello there.
Seems like there’s so much of thoughts running around in my mind and you know what, I always ‘blog’ while I shower.
You know how no one ever distracts you while you shower and that is like the most personal time ever.
That is the time where I usually thinks a lot.
All the thoughts and words and sentences were built in my mind but I always delay and did not really type it down.
Because I always thought that I’m able to remember my words and sentences, and what I’m feeling at that moment.
I fail every time. Just like now.
God! I cant remember what feeling I was having a few days ago. vague feelings of sadness, and uncertainties. Maybe..
Well, it’s not about other people. It’s about me.
I think I am losing myself. I am getting unfamiliar with myself.
I don’t know what I’ve become. I know I’m changing.
Changing again and this time, I’m not sure if it’s for better or for worse.
I see myself changing since secondary school. From a very very naive girl, to a less naive but still naive girl.
To a very emotional girl, vulnerable and putting the blame on God for all that happened.
To someone who tries to stop blaming, trying to be more optimistic and appreciate my friends more.
To someone who tries not to be too stupid and believe whatever people told me as there’s too much betrayal going on.
To someone who feels numb and starting to lose the optimism in her.
And now, maybe changing to someone who is evil and cold-hearted in order to protect myself.
You know, I actually cannot quite accept myself for all the wrongs I did, be it big or small ones.
I don’t like myself bitching about other people. I don’t like revenge. I don’t like to feel offended and get piss.
I don’t like myself being such a person, really. But I too cannot let others stepping on my head, making fun of me while I keep quiet acting like a coward.
Situations forced me to. You’ve got no idea how much I hate this and how it made me feel.
And what more when the people you trust most, more often than not are those who hurt you the most.
Those stupid empty promises. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it in the first place.
Not like there’s anyone pointing a gun at you, pulling the trigger.
Can you imagine the one you trust telling you this?
‘I say it, doesn’t mean I mean it. Doesn’t mean I promise you.’
Wow okay, then why say it? *tight slap*
But anyway, my point is with all these empty promises from different people, I am starting to lose hope.
Shall I see all this as a game, when other’s are not sincere?
I guess I should.
Is this the real world?
Game. dirty tricks. Whatever. I wanna win.
Are you afraid? Because I am.
I’m afraid of myself for even saying that.
I don’t know what-the-hell I’m saying.
Do you understand me?