Wow, what an awful day today.

I just try to explain myself and this is all I get from you. Maybe sms-ing you is wrong.
I know to you I seems stupid and I am stubborn and I never learn and so on and so forth.
To you, I am just bullshitting.

But have you really sit down and really ask me properly why would I want to do that,
before you scolding me and saying me bullshitting? Did you really sit down and listen to me. explaining my feelings and the reason I want to do it? Do you know each and every sms you reply hurts so bad? Maybe what I want to do is really stupid, but why cant you let me tell you how I really feel only you tell me maybe I really shouldn’t do that. Why must you scold me to such extend?

You are disappointed and unhappy with me. You keep saying I don’t learn. You say that I choose to think of unhappy stuff. You really think I wanna be so unhappy?
When I saw what you wrote, I try to think of happy stuff. But I can’t think of any. Yah, this might seems to be a bullshit to you again. What happy stuff? Happy stuff like going for a movie and yam cha? Think of those stuff? I try to think so hard what happy moments I have. Yes, there is quite a lot for the pass few years, the time where me and him together. Thats the only happy things I can think about. But when things end this way, do you think I can be happy?
I thought you know it, very clear that this whole incident rarely makes me happy anymore.

You think I choose to be unhappy? You think me having depression is because I am stubborn?
Do you think if I pretend to be happy, it will be better?
You really really think I wish to be unhappy and I want it this way?
And I didn’t thought I am the only person with sadness, just that I cant control my sadness.
What you want me to do? Is acting happy the way?

And, I didn’t decide the thing will make me regret. I am considering it. I am trying not to make myself regret, that is why only I think. Its not like I’m getting it done the next second. I am still thinking. I did really think, but of course to you, my thinking is not thinking at all. Why can’t you talk nicely to me, just like a friend suggesting me to get a temporary one and see the feeling first before I really go get a permanent one. Why must you be so harsh on me?

Each of the sms you send me bring tears to my eyes. I eat with my friend, I talked to him and I cry. He asked me why am I crying. I cant answer him exactly but I am very very sad. No, its not because of ‘him’ that I’m crying. I asked myself, somehow its because of you.

Always and always I try to explain my feeling to people, explaining what I am thinking. But most of the time people just don’t get me and think I sucks. But you, the one who knows everything, the one who I’ve talked to all this while no matter I’m sad or happy, I thought you will understand me.
But until the end of the day, none understands me.
What brokes my heart is that even you don’t understand my feeling. Even you thinks that what I’m saying is pure cock.

Wow, wow, wow. What a great wake up slap. Now I know none of you people understands me at the end of the day.
I know by now, you still thinks that I’m bullshitting. No longer matters, I’m tired of explaining already. If you think I am like the way you think I am, then continue. I am really tired.


My blog, is a place for me to put down my journeys, and my thoughts.
I used to write my feelings into my diary and now I’ve substitute it with this blog.
But I think this might be a rather stupid act because what things I say, people will thinks that I am bullshitting. I am not allow to be unhappy.

I don’t think I ever want to put down my thoughts in this blog again. Really very heartbreaking when you just want to try to make people understand your feelings when in the end what you get is people telling you that you are stupid.
Telling people how I feel, what I think is probably not what you guys wanna see.
I just try to be true but I guess that is not needed.

Sometimes you people ask me not to blame myself but at the same time you people are fucking me.
Guess in the end, it is still my problem. Yah, my problem.
I cannot be unhappy in front of people. I will just keep that to myself and only myself.
For this blog, I’ll just post some retard camwhore pictures or maybe nothing at all.

And thanks for all your fucking and bullshitting and stupid and all.. It did really slap me hard to realize that even you will not understand me, what more other people.
Its up to you if you do not want to care about me anymore. If you want a bye, then bye.

P/S: Might be my last stupid post of what I’m thinking. I should go and search for a new diary.


  1. Kidz88rex December 11, 2008

    he’s feeling sorry that he’s being harsh to you … but he knows the thing that he say everything is all for your good … he knew that he is being too over reacted in this case … he did not analys nicely because he doesn’t wan to see the people that he care for is trying to decide something that’ll hurt herself …
    from the day onwards … he won’t say a word anymore … he’ll care for you but he’ll care for you in a silent mode …
    he said it before , no matter what he still cares … but , it will be in silent mode …
    he no longer dare to comment anything … he no longer have the rights to say anything …
    he no longer says that he understands you … he no longer will scold you … he just wish that you will be happy always …
    he wants to take care of you but he can’t … i think he’ll will be happy whenever he really sees u smile from the bottom of your heart … and he hope that the day will come really soon … he’s waiting for the day that you’ll smile again permanently … take care …. he’ll stay silent throughout day and night … he’d got no strength to move on this way .. he is so sorry to make you disappointed … but he is disappointed too …


  2. Peggy December 11, 2008

    Kidz88rex: What silent mood? What what what? What have no rights to say anything? Just that I don’t get it why cant he sit down properly and try to understands me before he start scolding me this way. To him it might seems like I am trying to hurt myself, but to me is it like what he thinks? Actually why he doesn’t understands me? Is it all he sees is just pure on the surface? That I always purposely think of upset things? That I always get sad over ‘him’? No, thats not it. He just don’t understands that I cant really find a thing to be happy about. I don’t even know how to explain this to him. You know, I do not dare to explain anything to him anymore. I am so afraid of him scolding me bullshit again.

    And I seriously don’t get it why the silent. He is disappointed because I am not changing? Because I am still not happy after one year? Does he knows that I am disappointed at myself too? Does he know that I am so frustrated at myself to the extend where sometimes I tell myself it is better for me to end of stupid bloody life. Why everything I do seems so wrong? Why can’t the thing I did for once is right?

    Why does he want to be in silence? Does he think that this way is better?
    Does he know how lost am I yesterday? Almost everytime when I’m not happy, he will be there for me.
    But yesterday? I’ve got none to talk to.

    If staying silent is his only option, then by all means go ahead. I don’t wanna force anyone. As long as everyone of you are happy, then its ok.

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