Wrong Way; Go Back

Ilford XP2 disposable, ISO400.

Remember when I said I was stuck at a crossroad not moving forward?
As I sit here in my room typing this I can clearly tell you that this is not how I want to continue living my life anymore.
Yes no doubt I love what I am doing and I still love this city as much as I first fell for it but day in day out I feel like there are only so much I can deal with.


Going home for good is the decision I’ve made for myself.
I didn’t realise how sad this decision can be until now, until my tears started flowing. Such bittersweet.
Sometimes I wonder, there are always choices for us humans to make but there are also times when no matter which choices you end up choosing, it’ll break your heart still in the end.
This is what I am feeling right now.

Yes I want to go home but going home breaks my heart too.
Has all these been nothing but just a dream? Is it time now to wake up from this dream I called mine?
I am trying to work around my new plan and hopefully by mid year I will be home for good.

Today has been an exceptionally gloomy day as something awful just happened in Melbourne city, nearby where I work. Long story short, a crazy guy ran over a lot of people with his car in the city and for now, 5 is pronounced dead including a young child. This is so so awful, I cant imagine what their family members are feeling right now.

This happened 5 to 10 minutes after my lunch break and if I were to make a different decision today by having my break 10 minutes later I would have witness it all.
I loitered around Bourke Street mall and that was what I planned to do so no matter what time I have my break, I will be on the street. Such simple decision could change a person’s life. I could witness the incident or I could be the injured one or even worse I could be the dead one.
Those who lost their lives, maybe if they make a different decision on where to grab their lunch they might have escape it.

This is the time when I realise that I really wish to be around my family or at least my mom. If I were to be that unlucky and got killed in the incident, who’s gonna find out? Honestly I feel so lonely here that if I were to have any accident at home and die, no one will find out till I rot and smell. I don’t wanna die in another country with no people who matters enough around me.

We humans often think that we’re invisible and whatever that is reported on the news wont happen on us. I am not being pessimistic but I had a taste of life since young and I know no one will be excepted.
Fact is our parents or siblings will die whether you like it or not and the idea of them passing when they’re 80 years old or when they’re old is just plain naive.
Who promised you that parents will only die when they’re old?
Who said that siblings wont die when they’re only in their 20s? Who said that our friends are immune to accident and sickness that they will have fun and laugh with us till we grow old?
Who said that we ourselves will have the chance to continue growing, get married, have kids, have grandkids and then only die?
No one ever said that.

I’ve seen people die and I am not even talking about the passing of old grandparents when I am in preschool sort of experience. I am talking about the closest person I could ever have and I was 12.
How can I not go home and spend as much time as I possibly can with my mom now that she is all I am left with?
Best city to live in, excellent delicious coffee, extremely good food and such good currency, none of these can exchange with the time I have left with my mom.
None of these matters enough.

This transition is gonna be hard but I will make it because I will always come back stronger.
Perhaps I should start appreciating my remaining time in Melbourne, just a couple of months left and I will close this chapter moving on to the next.
I am already thinking of refurbishing my room when I get back and get myself a dog! Heh.

I will find a way out of this, definitely will.
A reminder to all of you and I cant say this enough, please appreciate those around you especially your parents.
Our time here is short, way shorter than all of us imagine.

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